In Christianity, marriage is a sacrament. The bible first mentions marriage in the second chapter of Genesis. The story is told through the lens of a man a woman, who we then see are husband and wife. While it doesn't say there was a ceremony as we might imagine today, nevertheless, it is the first marriage in the bible:
Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:23-25 ESV
This chapter also highlights the purpose and importance of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to work together to fulfil God's command to subdue and fill the Earth:
And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:28 ESV
Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”
Genesis 4:1 ESV
While the man had demonstrated authority over the fish, birds, and all living things prior to the woman (Genesis 2:19), he wasn't capable of filling the Earth with more humans like himself without the woman. Thus, marriage is an important part of cultivating a family and filling the Earth according to the Bible.
Before getting married
The purpose of marriage is to create a family through childbirth. Becoming married is an exciting step in a relationship that comes with lots of responsibility. However, there's a lot of groundwork to do before marriage. With that said, it doesn't need to be a scary or long process - but it should be well considered.
I've broken this down for easier reading into the following headings:
Dating before marriage
Sex before marriage
Preparing for marriage
While there's lots to learn before getting married, it's not something that should be intimidating or expensive. Taking responsibility is part of the essential transition from a boy into manhood, or girl into womanhood. It doesn't require everything to be perfect beforehand - but you should know what you're signing up to.
Dating before marriage
One of the most commonly asked questions is how long should you date before marriage? The answer is as unexciting as it is unhelpful - but, it depends.
If you're a young couple between the ages of 18 and 21, then you may wish to focus your attention towards education over marriage. These years are still formative and play a significant part in your development into an adult. Dating can be a great way to delay the commitment for marriage - but it's not a replacement for marriage.
As you get a little older and have landed a career, it is time to consider how you want to structure dating before marriage. For example, prior to dating was courtship. The benefit of courtship was that it was designed to identify whether a person was compatible for marriage. In any case, whatever the outcome, the courtship was always successful. If you are compatible for marriage, you get married, but if not, then you separated.
No matter what approach you take, it's important to remember that commitments in dating are not the same as commitments in marriage. Likewise, the benefits of marriage are not bestowed onto a boyfriend and girlfriend. If you're confident that the person you are dating is compatible for marriage - then you should discuss together what marriage means and how to prepare for marriage.
Sex before marriage
Two of the questions around marriage are what does the bible say about sex before marriage and what can christians do sexually before marriage. The bible is explicit on the topic of sex before marriage:
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2 ESV
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 ESV
In this epistle, Paul is affirming that sex is for marriage. If you are tempted to have sex before marriage, then why not have marriage? The culture today has incorrectly put sex before marriage and it has led to an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases and unnecessary levels of abortion. Combined with pornography, sex before marriage has become a corruption of God's intended purpose.
In regards to what can christians do sexually before marriage, the answer is nothing. A more cynical way of phrasing the question would be "what can I get away with outside of marriage?" The question should be "what do I need before I get married" and not "what can I do without marriage?" If you're so inclined, you may hold hands, hug, and kiss - but do not let passion overtake you.
Preparaing for marriage
When preparing for my own marriage, my wife and I broke our priorities into categories and discussed expectations on each:
Spiritual Requirements
Legal Requirements
Ceremonial Requirements
Personal Requirements
Below are my recommendations for each of these categories and should hopefully aid you in conversations around marriage.
Spiritual Requirements
When it comes to planning a wedding, you may need to discuss your spiritual requirements for the day. For example, how does each of you feel about sharing the gospel at your wedding? Will there be a reading or sermon? Similarly, how do you feel about the faith or purity of those who attend? Do you both feel comfortable with inviting same-sex couples to your wedding?
It may be that you don't have any special or different requirements. If that's the case, it should be easy to discuss your spiritual requirements. But if you do have different needs, try to think about solutions where both can enter marriage with a clear conscience before God.
Legal Requirements
In the United Kingdom both the bride and groom are required to give notice of marriage to their council. If you live in different councils, you will also need to decide where you will be married beforehand. These requirements can take more than one month, so it's advised to get this done several months in advance of the ceremony.
There may be other documentations associated with getting married. For example, visas or proof of divorce if you are remarrying. All of these requirements are important and should be handled before other ceremonial requirements.
Ceremonial Requirements
For men, If you're yet to propose, you should evaluate traditions and expectations. For example, some women expect men to ask their father for a blessing, or that an engagement ring will cost two or three months salary. While the former can be straightforward, the latter is actually a marketing campaign. Work with your wife-to-be to progress towards this commitment.
For women, you should also evaluate traditions and expectations. For example, some consider a white dress to be a traditional dress - but that's not true.Historically, women wore their nicest dress and it was rarely white due to impracticality. White dresses to be used once are a status of wealth, not purity.
Personal Requirements
Together, you should both discuss important considerations such as roles and responsibilities as husband and wife. Even discuss menial tasks like expectations on meal preparation, chores, finance, family holidays, free time, and eating together.
Try not to neglect these matters, even if they feels trivial. The more you discuss before marriage, the better the expectation will be set once married. You should also be reflective on where these expectations come from.
The marriage ceremony
As a couple, you may be worried about what happens in a christian marriage ceremony. However, there's no set way of doing things. Each family will have different cultural and personal expectations. Your marriage ceremony may look different to how others have done it.
There are many considerations that you need to make before getting married in the United Kingdom. However, I'll stick to discussing only the essentials for getting married to make it legal.
You will need a venue, this can either be in a registry office, or at a place of worship. There are some requirements when getting married in a church, so it should ideally be a church that you both attend.
You will need a marriage officiant, this can either be the pastor of your church, if they are able to do so, or a registrar if they are not.
You will need a registrar, in the United Kingdom, it is required that you pay for the government to send a registrar to your wedding. They will need to know the time and location. They are only required until you are married and will not stay beyond the official ceremony.
You will need two witnesses, while a guestlist is optional, you are legally required to have two witnesses. Typically, each side will choose one witness on their behalf, such as a best man, parent, guardian, or close friend.
Aside from these, you may wish to include optional extras such as a reading, music, reception, food, drinks, photography and a cake. For the sake of brevity, I won't discuss each of these. However, it's important to remember that the wedding is not the biggest day of your life, it's the start to an exciting journey. Don't feel obligated to put yourself into debt for your ceremony.
You can save money by doing a barbecue instead of catering, and using spotify instead of a band. While a lot of the extras make the day very memorable, they should not be a barrier to getting married.
What about marriage for same sex couples?
The bible is clear that marriage and sex are for men and women. Here are several verses that make clear the bible's stance on same-sex relationships:
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.
Leviticus 18:22 ESV
If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.
Leviticus 20:13 ESV
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 ESV
Clearly, this opposition to same-sex relationships is not unfounded within scripture. Not only does scripture refer to same-sex relationships as sexually immoral and an abomination, but it stands in contrast with the very purpose of marriage:
And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:28 ESV
The product of marriage, as seen in Genesis, is to 'be fruitful and mulyiply''. By mulyiply it means produce children. Reproduction remains a physiological impossibility for same-sex couples and is only achievable through complex medical procedures. While it may be biologically and medically possible, it is not the normative pattern for reproduction.
Furthermore, any argument that adoption, fostering, or artificial insemination could be used as a substitute is unsupported in the Bible. While it's true that Adam and Eve became parents, they did so only through natural reproduction. To suggest that gay couples could bring children into the other world by other means would not overturn the clarity of scripture.
Commentaires